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Antasha's Blog
Do you become what you believe?
People always say “You are a product of your environment” and to an extent, this is true. However, this pattern can be broken, it just takes work. I never had it easy growing up, but I hate playing the “victim,” in fact it disgusts me, I feel it’s a sign of great weakness. “What you believe you become” right? So if you play a victim, you will become one, and you will never break out of this pattern of self pity and sorrow. Let me give you a very sad example of this:
In high school my best friend and I were very close because we had so much in common- single parents who were both nurses, dads who abandoned us, we grew up poor and always struggled to get by, and most of the time we wouldn’t bring friends to our houses because we were embarrassed about the way we were living blah blah blah... Anyways, we were relieved and comforted to have found each other. However, there was one very distinct difference between us, and time would prove how different we would become. I had a passion to escape my situation and I was determined to make a better life for myself, she said she was too- but, she was a dreamer because she never did anything active to pursue a new life. As the years went by I excelled in school, I graduated high school early and started on with a higher education, and she barely got through high school, she decided not to go on to college, and became involved with a man who abused her both physically and emotionally. She started hanging out with the wrong people, and her life became possessed and controlled by a man who could offer her nothing. She just turned 19, she’s now pregnant and still with this guy. She lives at her moms 2-bedroom house with 6 other people. And in her case...the cycle keeps on spinning...
Because of this- I am a very stubborn person. There are so many things about me people don’t know of, even my mother- the person I am closest with. I guess the reason is because when I am facing an issue it’s probably a direct consequence of something I had done or was involved with, therefore, I don’t see the point in getting other people involved. If I get myself into a bad situation- isn’t it MY job to get myself out of it?
When I am depressed, or face a huge conflict, I turn into the “run-away-bride” because I’m there smiling and pretending everything alright until I’m “walking down the isle” and the problem is directly facing me- then I run, I run for my life. I think something my family would be surprised to learn about me (other than the undisclosed issue disgusted in the previous blog) is that most of time my surface emotions are not always the real ones I’m feeling. I have always felt it was my job to deal with things on my own, and I still feel that way- because at the end of the day, when everyone else is gone, and it’s just me, that’s who I really have to be truthful with. Other people cannot fix my problems.
I also think I have OCD because I clean compulsively (expect for the sh*t room, but we’re all getting ready to move so right now the house is messy) I change my sheets everyday, never let the laundry build up, vacuum and sweep constantly. Sometimes I feel like it’s therapy- you know clean from the outside in.....
Well...I hope this gives you guys a little more insight on me...I’m a little more complex than the initial stereotypes I was pegged as eh?
Watch these moves
Hey you guys...I can dance too...
http://www.paloozahead.com/1150215-58b8
check me out at this website
Final required blog part 2...
If you were cast on the RW, what would your family be suprised to learn about you?
I have been procrastinating writing this blog, because I was scared of the reactions I would get, therefore, I decided to leave some mystery in this post...
Mistakes are part of life, as I’m sure you are all aware. When I was in high school I made some very poor decisions, that got me into a lot of trouble, and to this day I still struggle with a decision I made. Obviously, I turned my life around, and I’m not the wild child I was back then, but there is a lot that happened that I know my family would be surprised/horrified to learn about. If I am chosen, I will openly talk about these things, maybe because they would help someone else who is struggling with a similar situation, however, because writing this blog does not guarantee me a spot in the house, I will not disclose anything more. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, right?
New videos!
hey guys check out my new videos! Go to "more" videos to watch my 2 new ones :)
xoxo Antasha
When did "drinking" become the new definition of fun?
So some people are telling me I wouldn’t be fun to watch because I’m not 21, and all’s I have to say is this: If you can only have fun or be entertained when you’re drinking or watching someone else drink- check you self into alcoholics anonymous ASAP because you need treatment immediately. There is more to life than waking up and forgetting what you did last night...
I guess now you have to report to Jack Daniels before the fun can begin...
Look away... (Round 5 blog part 1)
What things would you not want your family to see?
I have a baby sister that looks up to me, and a family that counts on me to be a strong woman, so I wouldn’t want to them to see me break down, or act out in any way that would bring embarrassment or shame to my family because they have already been through enough. Let me give you an example so it’s clear:
When I was 14-years-old I was at thanksgiving dinner with my family, and we were all sitting around waiting for the turkey to be done, laughing, talking etc. Well my family (for the first and LAST time) offered me a glass of wine. Wow- I felt like such an adult! (I mean I had been sneaking around drinking with my friends, but never with my family, and never more than a few sips of something here and there) So I quickly drank up the wine, and generously poured myself another glass. My family members were all busy and happily chatting away, blissfully unaware that I had consumed an entire bottle of wine to myself. I started getting greedy (as if a bottle was not enough right?) And I found a bottle of vodka and drank that to myself as well. Needless to say- I ended up very VERY sick. I didn’t even get a chance to eat turkey! And apparently I had been running away wildly from my mom and uncle all around the neighbor hood. Anyways, when they finally caught me I blacked out, and threw up all over myself and my mom. My mom and a friend of our family had to BATHE me! How embarrassing, and my family kept walking in to make sure I was going to live. The next day I woke up with throw up in my hair and mouth, and a huge head ache not remembering anything. My family was so disgraced and disappointed in me, and my little sister cried over dinner and prayed to God that I would live. These are the kinds of things I wouldn’t want them to see- not that it happens all the time because it doesn’t, but since I don’t drink that much at all, I don’t have a tolerance anymore, so it’s hard for me to really know when enough it enough.
There are other things I wouldn’t want them to see as well- such as me showering, going to the bathroom, drinking, partying, kissing etc. But my family knows they will not have to worry about anything other than kissing going on because that is certainly not my style, so I know that puts them at ease.
Forgot this question! ;)
Why do you think others will vote for you?
I think people will vote for me because I'm very friendly, and fun and naturally people are drawn to me. I had a very hard childhood full of tragedy, but I was still able to turn my life around into everything I wanted it to be, and I think that makes people respect me even more.
Exposed...(Round 3 blog, part 2)
How do you handle conflicts?
Well, to be completely honest, I avoid handling conflicts until it turns to big, that I can no longer avoid it. Obviously, this is not very effective, but I just don’t know how to handle them any other way– I try to make the best of situations until they dissolve into nothing, or get so out of control that I can no longer handle them. So I guess that would make me the kind of person that kind of runs away from issues? I know that’s not good, but it’s the truth. I wish I could discipline myself to handle things differently–maybe one day I will.
Biggest problem you face:
It’s really hard to narrow it down to just one...But, in this very moment one of the biggest problems I’m facing is how much of myself to put out here on this site. I have been through a lot of things in my life, and I know I put on a big smile and great act but the things I could tell you all would even put the men in tears- so how much of my personal life am I willing to divulge for this? It’s really tearing me apart, when I wrote my last blog I was almost crying, and I’m extremely nervous for the question “What is one thing your family and friends would be really shocked to learn about you if you were on TV?” Because if I make it to the next round and have to answer that ....well...
What do you what to be on the Real World?
The Real World is this amazing reality show that millions of Americans tune in to watch once a week, so they can follow the lives of these 7 people- and relate to them, cry with them, laugh with them and learn from them. I want America to see (me) someone who comes from a small town in Ohio, a place typically associated with farms and fields, and show them that coming from a place with little or no opportunity does not limit how BIG you can dream, and the steps you can take to achieve your dreams. I’m at a good place in my life right now, where I have a comfortable routine, but am craving something more. I have nothing serious holding me back, and I’m ready for a change, I’m ready for this once in a life time experience that most people don’t get the chance to have! This could be the break I need to get into a fun, successful journalism career, and with the help of the amazing votes and MTV producers this small town girl just might get her big wish ;)
Do you drink alcohol?
In high school I used to drink a lot– in fact I would drink and party so much that I rarely came home. I always felt like I didn’t really have a “home” because my house was always empty, so I spent all my time hanging out with my friends and drinking. My favorite drink is Jack and coke- I’m definitely a whiskey girl. But, when I came to college, all of that changed. I moved out on my own and had to learn RESPONSIBILITY. I knew that I could either a.) take the drinking/partying route and barely graduate or I could b.) Study, attend all my classes, work hard, graduate at the top of my class and go to one of the best graduate colleges in the nation- so the choice was obviously, although not easy. I’m a fun person, and I love to socialize, but the most important thing to me right now is becoming something, and “drinking” will not help me become anything. When intoxicated I usually get emotional & silly- I’ll laugh, cry, dance, rap (yes this is embarrassing, I actually have it on tape). Drinking makes me carefree, as I’m sure it does a lot of people. It’s hard for me now because I drink so sporadically so I never know what my tolerance level is- and sometimes I definitely get carried away. However, I am always surrounded by people who I love and care about- not random creepy guys, so I never have to worry about anyone trying to take advantage of me.
Please...handle with care...(Round 3 blog part 1)
Major issue facing my family:
I can’t believe I’m going to write this- God forgive me- someone in my immediate family was raped, and I won’t say who out of privacy and respect for that person, but I have never really been able to talk about this with anyone, so it’s freaking me out to write it now...She was young when it happened, and it was only a few years ago- it really torn my family apart. After it happened and the details came out, no one knew what to do, or how to act, and we all sort of drifted. I saw a lot of personality shifts, and we became a family that didn’t have time to laugh or joke, because we were struck in the heart by tragedy. The man who did it got away with a plea bargain, and only ended up serving a year in jail, a F**KING year- can you believe that sh*t? He’s out now, and she feels unsafe, my family feels unsafe. That’s our justice system America- people are free to rape, kill, and torture others without having to worry too much about consequences, it’s disgusting.
Childhood:
I hated my childhood, and I would never re-live it. Although I am glad now to have experienced the things I did, and learn so much so young, I could never do it again. I grew up poor, and my mother carried a heavy weight on her shoulders to raise my sisters and me. We lived in a little 2-bedroom apartment when I was really young, and a lot of times we would have to make sacrifices, and go without everyday things that people take for granted because she couldn’t pay the bills. If it hadn’t been for my amazing uncle Steve, I would not be here today, because we would have ended up homeless and probably dead; he paid our bills so many times I couldn’t even tell you. My mom would work all day every day, and while she was working we were at the babysitters house. The babysitter was an older, overweight woman who would sit in her recliner all day and watch soap operas. God have mercy on our souls if we bothered her while she was watching TV. The only time this woman ever got up was to eat and make us lunch- which was always a hot dog and plain potato chips (two things I will NEVER eat again). When my mom would come to pick us up, she’d be so tired she would go to sleep when she got home. So once again, we were in a way left alone. Now don’t get me wrong- I have an AMAZING mother, and she did the best she could, but she wasn’t there for most of my childhood- it just wasn’t possible for her to be because she had no help from anyone. It was never hard for me to make friends, I’ve always been a sociable person, but it’s always been hard for me to KEEP them. I’ve never learned how to make a relationship truly last (in a healthy) way because I never saw it growing up. When I start to get close to people I freak out and distance myself until the friendship, or relationship is just a spec of dust in the background.
Competitor:
I’m a very tough competitor because I have always had to try 150 times harder than most of the people around me to get what I want. I grew up with people telling me “you’ll never be able to do this or that” and it became my mission to not only prove them wrong- but prove myself right, that I could do whatever I wanted to. I will stop at NOTHING to get what I want, to be happy, and to find success. When it’s all said and done, and I’m alone with myself I have to be happy with who I am, and the only way I can do that is by giving everything my all, and never giving up. People may have advantages over me, but I doubt if anyone in this world has a stronger will or desire to get where I want to be than me. I guess that’s why I take this competiton to heart so much because I would love to have a break finally, don’t get my wrong, I am VERY grateful for the life I have as of NOW, but it hasn’t come easy.
Up close and personal
So as I was scanning through some peoples pages, returning testimonials and votes- I noticed a common pattern; A lot of people write in their blogs (and nothing against them because there’s nothing wrong with it) “Please vote for me because I promise I will be very entertaining and you won’t regret it.” Well, this certainly may be true in some cases, however, in the case of me please DO NOT vote for me because you think I will be a drunken slut (as some people have implied I am) who sleeps with all of her roommates- because I can assure you, you will be very disappointed if this is your reason for voting.
I can’t guarantee that you’ll like me, or think I’m funny- you may end up hating me. But, I promise you, if you are looking to for someone with ambition, dedication and a pure love of pursuing her dreams and succeeding, then please DO vote for me. My goal of getting on this show is not for “temporary fame” as this would not sit well with me, but rather to have connections made so that afterwards I will be on the right path to obtaining a satisfying and successful career. I think it’s important for each person on this site to remember that I am pursuing my DREAM job and career not YOURS. Certain individuals from this site have been telling me I’m not ‘cut out for broadcast journalism,’ and frankly, I don’t care. If I have a passion for something I will put my whole heart and soul into it, and I WILL eventually get it- so there is no need for so much negativity and hatred, people should be encouraging each other to succeed, rather than tearing them down and discouraging them. You will never see me directly attack anyone on this site, even if they attack me first- It’s not because I’m too nice, it’s because I have no desire to play childish, internet-word games with some unknown stranger who has nothing better to do than creep this site all day and night for people to victimize. Hopefully, this blog will give you all a better insite on me, and the person I am becoming.
Love,
xoxo Antasha
p.s. John, Kevin (Kthnya1108), Kathleen, Dana & everyone else who has been so amazing, I love you guys!
When “father” means nothing more than “biological” (Mandatory blog 2)
Imagine coming home one day with a sickening realization that everything you knew until that point was pulled out from underneath you. You walk in your house, which is no longer a home because your husband left you, and you see your two toddler children giggling and playing innocently without a clue of reality. You sit down to breathe, and begin sobbing uncontrollably. Quickly you wipe the tears from you face, and straighten up- you do not want your children to see you crying. You look at them and smile as big as you can, and they smile back. All the while frightening thoughts haunt your mind- you’re a single parent now, with no real education; how do you plan on keeping your kids alive and healthy? How are you going to mend your broken heart? Welcome to the life of my mother in the summer of 1990.
So it’s true- my father left us. He left without a care- and pursued a better life for “him” rather than his family. I suppose he looked at it like buying a new car- you drive it until it gets old, and until you see something more desirable. When that time comes you trade in the old car for one that’s more aesthetically pleasing. But, the trouble is you can’t trade off your family, they will always belong to you. I have a non-existent relationship with my father not because I want to, but because he chose to.. (Read more about this in my best/worst traits blog).
With courage, determination and a strong-will my mother took on the world. She went through nursing school and gave my sisters and me everything we needed and more. I couldn’t have asked God to give me a better mother- because she is the best. I have learned so much from her, and a lot of my ambition comes from my mom’s struggles. She is my hero, and I love her so much. My mom is the only person who has been with me through EVERYTHING, and I will be forever thankful and grateful to her because of it. We are extremely close, and if I ever have a problem, or just need someone to talk to- she is the first person I call. We talk about everything, and I visit her about twice a week. I realize that I was not born in the most financially favorable situation, but it was over-compensated for many times over because of the woman my mother is. She’s my guiding light through struggles and the unknown- I love you mom :)
Contacts
Hey everyone- thanks for the votes, and hope you're all doing well.
Add me on my space at http://www.myspace.com/antashad
Thanks- xoxo
antasha
Be careful who you call dumb...
As you all may have noticed, I’ve been getting an overwhelming amount of people calling me “dumb.” I can’t help but laugh, it’s very ironic you see- calling me dumb, a girl who is almost done with her Bachelors degree in journalism at the age of 19, and attends a school that has one of the most vigorous programs in the nation, and is graduating with honors. It makes me wonder if the people who say I’m “stupid” and an “idiot” can even read, I guess they must be illiterate because apparently they missed the blog where I said I would be attending COLUMBIA for my masters....yeah, that’s where all the idiots go for sure. Here’s an idea for all of you who think I’m so “dumb” -go get an education so you can actually do your research before characterizing me because of how I look. Who’s the dumb one now?
A personal attack
Apparently a particular soul-less individual thought it would be funny to comment on my previous blog dedicated to my mom and uncle.
They said, and I quote, “This demonstrates how girls turn out when thier fathers aren't around - shallow and promiscuous, always in desperate need of male attention. LOL!” (And yes, this is how this person spelled ‘their’).
Now, normally I would find it inappropriate and childish to respond to someone’s negativity, however, under the circumstances I find it impossible not to. This person is not only attacking me, and my life, but also every single person in the world who was raised, or is being raised by a single parent, and that is simply inexcusable. Their comment was rude, disgusting, offensive, and disrespectful to me and my family. Whom ever wrote this is a complete disgrace to society, him/herself, and his/her family and friends. Obviously, the only person in ‘desperate need’ of attention is the person who wrote this. I find it sad, and pathetic that someone could get enjoyment out of other peoples hardships. What I find amusing is how someone could come up with characteristics about me ‘shallow and promiscuous’ without even having met me, and attribute these characteristics to an absent-father.
To whom ever wrote this: You are an IGNORANT, heart-less, incomplete fool who should spend your time searching for the soul you sold to the devil rather than reading blogs that I dedicate to people I LOVE.
To my mom & uncle Steve:
You two are the most amazing people I have ever met, literally. Growing up I always felt like I was dealt an unfair hand with an absent father, and a mother who had to work so hard every single day to raise her kids. But, I am lucky because now I see my life is exactly what is it supposed to be.
Mom, you have always been so strong, so willful, and no matter what the struggle has been- you have overcome it. It’s because of you that I am such a determined person, who knows life can be tough, but is able to handle challenges gracefully without giving up.
And Steve, I hope you know how influential you have been on my life, I am where I am because of you. You stepped in to help my mom raise us, and we weren’t your responsibility, I don’t know of any other men who would do that. You mean the world to me, and I will always appreciate you and everything you have done. I love you two so much, thank you for everything.
Love always & forever,
Antasha
B.t.w
I just love people who are intentionally rude to me to further their own site...oh wait... just kidding! It’s pathetic, really.
Rude people
For all of you who feel the need to come forward and say rude, cruel and mean things to me, don't waste your time, or space on my page. I am not here to make someone feel bad, I am here to win- which is exactly what I am doing. If you don't like me that's fine, stop looking at my page.
Best/Worst Traits
My best traits:
I am a very persist person, I will try over and over again without fail to get exactly what I want. I never give up because I learned at a young age that persistence will get you everywhere. I came from a single parent home, and this made life challenging- but, NOT impossible. I have always set high goals for myself and I strive my hardest to achieve every single one of them. I’m intelligent, witty and mature. I graduated from high school at the age of 16, and started college when I was 17. Now a few years later and a few years older I am a junior broadcast journalism major at Kent State University. I find one of my best traits being that I am a very surprising person. I enjoy studying, learning, attending college, partying, dancing, taking full advantage of all opportunities that come my way, reading, drinking etc. Overall, I would say I am a very well-rounded, funny, fun, playful and most importantly entertaining individual.
Worst traits:
I am a very forgiving person, and I don’t think that’s always a good thing. The day I turned 16 my absent father contacted me (thru phone) for the first time in over 14 years! I was ecstatic, and all the anger I had ever felt toward him was gone in an instant. We kept in touch for about six months, and during this time I told him I forgave him for leaving because everyone deserved a second chance, and then I went down to visit him. The visit went great, and I was so happy to finally have a father in my life. My years of heartache, frustration and pain were all over, and we were reunited. (Or so I thought) After I left we kept in touch every single day either by way of e-mail or phone. Over the summer I went down to visit him again, and I felt like I was beginning to piece my life together, but little did I know- I was going to be wiped off of his agenda forever. My father had a girlfriend, a young one at that, and apparently she had a problem with our developing father-daug hter relationship. (What’s ironic was she had her father in her life, so how could she be so selfish as to expect me not to have mine?) She told him her feelings, and he told me. He said he had broken up with her because of her not liking me and him trying to build a
relationship- but, after I left early in August, I never heard from him again. He changed his home and cell phone numbers. He changed his e-mail address. And for what? A sleazy 23-year-old gold-digger over a life-long relationship with his blood daughter. Disgusting.
Another one of my worst traits is that I’m a perfectionist. I think a lot of it stems from everything that happened with my father. I guess I feel like if I do something perfect, the foundation will be too strong to cave in and disappoint me or anyone else the way I was disappointed.
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