Do you become what you believe?

People always say “You are a product of your environment” and to an extent, this is true. However, this pattern can be broken, it just takes work. I never had it easy growing up, but I hate playing the “victim,” in fact it disgusts me, I feel it’s a sign of great weakness. “What you believe you become” right? So if you play a victim, you will become one, and you will never break out of this pattern of self pity and sorrow. Let me give you a very sad example of this:

In high school my best friend and I were very close because we had so much in common- single parents who were both nurses, dads who abandoned us, we grew up poor and always struggled to get by, and most of the time we wouldn’t bring friends to our houses because we were embarrassed about the way we were living blah blah blah... Anyways, we were relieved and comforted to have found each other. However, there was one very distinct difference between us, and time would prove how different we would become. I had a passion to escape my situation and I was determined to make a better life for myself, she said she was too- but, she was a dreamer because she never did anything active to pursue a new life. As the years went by I excelled in school, I graduated high school early and started on with a higher education, and she barely got through high school, she decided not to go on to college, and became involved with a man who abused her both physically and emotionally. She started hanging out with the wrong people, and her life became possessed and controlled by a man who could offer her nothing. She just turned 19, she’s now pregnant and still with this guy. She lives at her moms 2-bedroom house with 6 other people. And in her case...the cycle keeps on spinning...

Because of this- I am a very stubborn person. There are so many things about me people don’t know of, even my mother- the person I am closest with. I guess the reason is because when I am facing an issue it’s probably a direct consequence of something I had done or was involved with, therefore, I don’t see the point in getting other people involved. If I get myself into a bad situation- isn’t it MY job to get myself out of it?

When I am depressed, or face a huge conflict, I turn into the “run-away-bride” because I’m there smiling and pretending everything alright until I’m “walking down the isle” and the problem is directly facing me- then I run, I run for my life. I think something my family would be surprised to learn about me (other than the undisclosed issue disgusted in the previous blog) is that most of time my surface emotions are not always the real ones I’m feeling. I have always felt it was my job to deal with things on my own, and I still feel that way- because at the end of the day, when everyone else is gone, and it’s just me, that’s who I really have to be truthful with. Other people cannot fix my problems.

I also think I have OCD because I clean compulsively (expect for the sh*t room, but we’re all getting ready to move so right now the house is messy) I change my sheets everyday, never let the laundry build up, vacuum and sweep constantly. Sometimes I feel like it’s therapy- you know clean from the outside in.....

Well...I hope this gives you guys a little more insight on me...I’m a little more complex than the initial stereotypes I was pegged as eh?

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