California and the Doomsday Clock

Well I'm in California, planned a trip to come back here after my last visit a few months ago. So instead of staring down the dreaded clock, "Rounds 5 Ends in...", I'll instead be relaxing, trying my best to get my mind away from this site.

Best part is that because I'll be on the West Coast I'll wake up and chances are the winner will have already been announced. So the fate of the rest of my life will be decided. It'll be a July Christmas - I'll either wake up to find splendorous gifts (I win) or to the sight of Santa stuck in a chimney, suffocating to death (I lose).

I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me - both fans and people who were looking at my page in disgust and accidentally hit the Vote button. Much appreciated!

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What I don't want my parents to see...

Uhm...it doesn't matter.

My family has een me do it all!!!

Yeah, you know that one sacred thing every guy keeps away from his mom and dad...you know "THAT THING" when a guy is at his most vulnerable - with his pants down and focused on asian pornography...yeah - That's not sacred anymore for me.

there is nothing I would do on the Real World that would shock or surprise my family or friends.

Like Wise, I don't care what is caught on film. I really don't mind having anyone see me doing anything. whether it be having sex, pooping or sex that involves pooping....even if it were sex involving pooping with a Vietnemese transvestite...I think that would be hilarious. All bets are off with me. I wouldn't hold back either. I would probably show people things that they have never seen on Real World. AND, i'd do it without thinking twice.

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Not making it into Round 5

So, I think I shot myself in the foot during my interview.

Here's why:

a.) I wasn't the comedian they probably were hoping to get. I was a real person. The problem with being a comedian is that people never expect you to be more than jokes and sillyness.

b.) I said I am passive. However, I will add - If in a house full of people and I was being verbally attacked I would be bound to make someone cry in about 5 lines. I think I could do that to anyone... maybe half a line to make Kristin cry (yeah, that was a cheap shot). While I AM passive and don't ike confrontation, I have a reputation for being one of the rudest and most insulting young comedian in NY. The best part is - with my smile - no one sees it coming.

c.) I kept an empty cranberry bottle under my desk (out of webcam view) during the interview so I could pee into and not have to go to the bathroom.

d.) I wasn't wearing any pants during the interview either.

e.) I was aksed about hooking about with girls...and I probably said - I think they're all whores and I would probably catch airborne AIDS from them

SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Bottom line is...it's a toss up. Getting on Real World and onto the top ten wold be huge for me. It would help justify my decisions up to this point in my life. Obviously, it would catapult my comedy career too. I'm entertaining and I don't think people would regret having to watch me on repeats on MTV. However, even if I don't make Real World - heh...It's only a matter of time before I get my tv show.

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MYSPACE

Hey Everyone,

My MySpace URL is:

www.myspace.com/chriskanik

Go Friend Request me

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ROUND 3 QUESTIONS

NOTE: You need to read my blog "Why I am the way I am" to have these answers make sense.

1.) Currently my biggest problem is dealing with the notion that I may be the world’s greatest underachiever and potential LOSER – by being selfish and pursuing comedy than doing something “serious” with my life. Sure it’s cute now that I’m 23 and cause it’s always beautiful when someone is “going for their dreams”…but what if it doesn’t happen – AND I end up a loser. It’s cute now and people give me tons of credit for only being a comic for 2 years and already going on tour (and opening fro Daman Wayans, Charlie Murphy and Sara Silverman) and breaking into the clubs in NY but …what if I never make it past this.

I just shot a documentary on MySpace – in which I drove cross country for a month and I relied on my 40,000 MySpace friends for shelter, food and gas money. All to go FIND TOM – yeah, that TOM.. I have drowned 17 thousand of my own dollars into this project. I just finished the reel and although I think it’s a kickass contemporary idea – what if it doesn’t sell? I failed. Can’t fail. I’ve never failed at anything I’ve ever done in my life. This transitions easily into what type of competitor I am.

2.) COMPETITION
I am very competitive. I don’t like to lose. But I also don’t act like an idiot when I lose. I take defeat as a lesson and learn from it. It’s why I have been able to move up so quickly in stand-up comedy. When a joke doesn’t work I learn why it doesn’t from when it doesn’t. In school, I always had to be the smartest kid in class. ALWAYS. I have to be the best and I always have to stand-out for my achievements. If not I feel a sense of failure. I guess that’s what happens when you’re 7 and people tell you you are a genius.

3.) WHY REAL WORLD.
First of ALL…I think I’m very entertaining. And I think millions of people would not be disappointed in watching me on The Real World. In fact, I think I’d be a breath of fresh air for viewers of The Real World. I already have an internet following, thousands of people who watch my videos on a regular basis. I’m not talking friends or family member…I’m talking people who have never met me before and love me…people who look forward to my daily MySpace bulletins and videos. Imagine if I had a better platform to share that with people, let’s say like The Real World.

CHILDHOOD
4.) I didn’t have a particularly fun childhood. Like I wrote in my last blog – I didn’t do things like normal kids. I didn’t play catch and I didn’t have too many friends. While I like to perform and I LOVE attention …I’m a loner and an introvert when it comes to my feelings. I witnessed a lot of shitty things as a child. When I was 5 I saw my father crack open my mom’s head with his shoe. The image of him yanking out phone chords so she wouldn’t be able to call the cops, him fleeing like a coward and my mom walking through our apartment building hallway is something that enters my mind at least once a day. Shitty or not – I would never trade my childhood for anyone else’s. I don’t think like everyone else (I’m on a different wavelength) and I credit that to my childhood…I wouldn’t change it for anyone else’s.

5.) CONFLICT
I’m not a confrontational person at all. I rarely raise my voice and I almost never get into arguments with people. I always think from their perspective. I’ve experienced too much physical violence in my life – and I think I have an aversion to fighting. I also don’t like to “talk things out”. If there’s a problem between two people and I see that the other person is being irrational I will simply walk away from them and give them time to understand how silly they’re being. I think this approach is effective in diffusing potential escalations in the argument. BUT, it can also come off as me being arrogant and condescending and further infuriate whoever I am having a disagreement with.

6.) FAMILY
There are just too many issues. My family is just a wacky wacky wacky experiment by whoever is pulling strings. Where do I start? My mom is a 300 pound “fashionista” who never matured after age 15. My dad is an unstable Muslim man who gambles and womanizes. I would say that the one thing that has really effected our family was when I was 11, my father suffered an injury and was paralyzed from the waist down for about 6 months. While a bastard, he always provided us with financial stability. For the first time, he was not able to do so – AND, he was around the house which was unusual. PLUS, he needed us to help him. He eventually overcame not being able to walk, but he has never been able to return to work.

7) ALCOHOL
I used to drink A LOT. I have curbed my intake. Alcohol is my one vice and one that I need to be very watchful of. I like to drink, but not hard liquor and not beer. I am a wine drinker. AND, when I get drunk no one can tell that I am drunk – because my behavior sober is already that of a man who is drunk. I think I get calmer when I get drunk.

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Why I am the way I am

So, in order for my answers to make sense to everyone (to Round 3 questions) I need to provide everyone with some background information on who I am:

I didn't have a normal Childhood - I didn't play little league, I didn't play catch with my father, I didn't have sleep overs or hang out with other kids.

At about 5 - my mom was told that I was "gifted". I took my first college course at 10. It was a chemistry course. I started working at a research lab when I was 12. When the other kids were hanging out and playing video games (riding their bikes and discovering their hormones) I was dissecting mice and running experiments. At 14 I did some research that sort of "dissproved" some Harvard professor's older research. I won alot of awards and shit. At 17 I took a class at Harvard. I wasn't very well behaved there and never went to class. When I was 18 I did some research on a NASA funded project and helped develop biologically based nanorobots. The claim was they were going to be used to colonize Mars - in reality - everything has a military application. KILL the enemy is always the real objective in government funded science research.

I have always stood out from everyone else and been held to a different set of rules - MY OWN RULES.

In school I pretty much did what I wanted when I wanted - no one ever really said anything.

I was sort of a child prodigy I guess.

My life was pretty much all set for me. I was going to go to Cornell on a science scholarship to study science, graduate and go to law school and whatever else. I was going to be a "successful" person.

Then my sophomore year I woke up one morning not being able to walk. My arms were cramped and I couldn't move my toes.

After weeks of visitng doctors and not knowing what was wrong with me - I was finally diagnosed with a condition called syringomyelia. It's a degenerative nervous system disorder. I have cysts located in my spinal cord not allwoing the free movement of my spinal cord fluid. The cysts also press against the nerves in my spinal cord - which accounts for all the pain I have - cramping and headaches.

I never realized how much life I had missed until that point.

So, I did what any person would do...I became an alcoholic. I stopped sleeping and was always drunk. I'm not talking thursday, friday, saturday frat boy drunk. I'm talking Tuesday morning at 9 am I was hungover cause I started drinking at 6 am... and I was ready to get drunk again. I carried a water gallon full of vodka, beer, red bull, coffee and iced tea around with me.

I smoked pot with the janitors, I chain smoked cigars and I even convinced a kid on my floor to work as my secreary. He sat at the end of the dorm hallway by my room at a desk with a phone. He took calls for me, bought me breakfast in the morning, took out my trash and did my laundry. OH...and he warned me when the resident advisor was coming to get me. kinda like Van Wilder...but with a little less tact when dealing with authority.

I stopped going to class and I rarely left my room. When I finally did go to one of my chemistry classes I was wearing a full grown beard, flip flops and shorts - in Ithaca weather, during a snow storm. Og course I was carrying a water bottle full of vodka. When I waled in the professor said "MR Kanik, glad you could join us...I guess you don't have to come to class like the rest of us. It's hard to believe you are here on a scholarship to study chemistry. Who do you think you are?"

To this I answered, "I am the smartest motherfucker in this class!!!!" I took my left flip flop off and threw it at him and walked out the class back into the snow. I walked back to my dorm in shorts and one flip flop.

It was after that day that I decided to to live my life the way I wanted to live it and not by how others wanted to live it.

I pretty much shocked everyone when I decided to become a stand-up comic.

I pretty much don't give a shit - I say what I want to say and I do what what I want to do.

A lot of people are dissapointed in me. AND...a lot of people are confused by my existence and the choices I make. Whatever...i enjoy telling dick and fart jokes.

I think that's why I thought Wes' comments on the MTV Roomates show were hilarious...cause I stopped trying along time ago. If I was trying I'd probably wouldn't be on this site and I'd probably not be on television in my underwear

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Best and Worst Traits...AGAIN

Ok. So I think I'll give this blog thing another crack.

I think my best trait is also my worst trait. I am HONEST - very very very honest. I think that's why I will never be able to have a relationship with a chick - cause I'd tell her everything - and the older I get the more I am realizing that some things should just be kept to myself.

My honesty is polarizing. People either love me or they hate me. There is no middle ground with me. I have never met someone who has ever said, "Chris is okay". People either say "Chris is the fuck'n man" or "Chris is a complete dick"

Heh ...i'll live with that.

I'm also very confident. Everytime I walk into a room I almost always feel like I am the smartest person in the room. This is a trait people either respect or are completely turned off by. (By the way, I just ended the last sentence with a preposition - that's a no no but I could care less about the rules of grammar)

I am not a very trusting person.
My father has a gambling problem and steals money from me all the time. He once maxed out 6 credit cards under my name while I was in college without my knowing. And, my mother lies to me at least once a day about eating cake. I ask her, "did you eat cake today" and she'll respond ,"No..." as she stuff a slice of pound cake in her purse. If you can't trust your parents - who can you trust

I am very generous. I'm the guy who pays for everyone's drinks and meals. Money really doesn't mean much to me. However, the older I get the more I realize how scummy people are and how easily get taken advantage of. (again, ended a sentence with a preposition- who cares)

I find humor in everything - even death. Nothing is sacred to me. I don't understand why people say things like "i'm offended" and "that's wrong". I think you should be able to express yourself - as long as it is intelligent and supported by reason.

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